Wonder
by x-La vie en rose-x
Summary: R/H musing set between episodes 502-505. Fluffy angst. First fic. Reviews are nice. Don't own Spooks.
1. Wonder

Wonder

She lightly taps on the window to signal her presence.  
You wonder if she knows her feelings have been revealed through another.

*

She quietly approaches the balcony.  
You wonder if she knows the fortitude it takes to ask her.

She shyly gives her reply with a nervous grin.  
You wonder if she knows the last time you truly smiled.

*

She aims to make a joke.  
You wonder if she knows her gentle humor would carry you through a lifetime.

She anxiously fingers her napkin.  
You wonder if she knows the countless times you've imagined her hands entwined with yours.

*

She enters your office and refuses you, denies you.  
You wonder if she knows the quaver in your chin is something you never want her to see.

*

She arrives at the hotel prepared though breathless.  
You wonder if she knows you are elated to see her.

She asks after her room with uncertainty.  
You wonder if she knows you would never disregard her.

*

She steps out of her room weary and overworked.  
You wonder if she knows you can hear your heart over the blaring music.

She rambles on endlessly avoiding your eyes.  
You wonder if she knows hearing her voice brings you peace.

She hastily walks away leaving you desolate.  
You wonder if she knows she has endangered you with another sleepless night.

*

She comes into your office to reassure your actions.  
You wonder if she knows the warmth of her hand is there long after she is gone.

*

She feels your hand on her shoulder.  
You wonder if she knows you want to seize her to your body and hold her.

She speaks of sweet tea.  
You wonder if she knows you wish to gaze at her for hours rather than seconds.

She pours herself a cup.  
You wonder if she knows you want to murder the person that rang your mobile.

She stands her back to you whilst you prepare to leave.  
You wonder if she knows you are foolishly waiting for a kiss farewell.

*

She sits in your office in your chair.  
You wonder if she knows she is the only one allowed to do such a thing.

She ignores your advice to stay home and rest.  
You wonder if she knows she has thrilled you again with her company.

*

She asks question after question to discern your meaning.  
You wonder if she knows you relish being so close to her.

She looks at you as if attempting to read your thoughts.  
You wonder if she would delight in hearing your intentions.

She turns away disconcerted and abashed.  
You wonder if she knows you are considering terminating a certain individual for spoiling their moment.

*

She discounts your pleas of concern.  
You wonder if she knows you repute her obstinate nature.

She steps into the pod smiling up at you inches from your face.  
You wonder if she knows you savor her delicate essence.

She steps out of the car to her home.  
You wonder if she knows you want nothing more than to follow her up her steps into her dwelling.

*

She is ushered away frightened and shaken.  
You wonder if she knows you will stop at nothing to protect her.

She hears your hollering shouts of anger.  
You wonder if she knows your agony having them take her away.

*

She is presumed lying there cold under a sheet.  
You wonder if your knees will buckle beneath you when you see her.

She isn't on the solid metal bed.  
You wonder where to find her.

*

She turns to you relieved and distraught.  
You wonder if you will survive without her.

She feigns optimism.  
You wonder how you can keep her for a little while longer.

She breathes her goodbye through the sorrow.  
You wonder why it took so long to tell her.

She speaks of wonderful things unsaid.  
You wonder if she knows you love her.

She caresses your cheeks with her soft hands.  
You hope she knows you love her.

She solemnly presses her lips to yours.  
You desire she knows you love her.

She whispers away your hopes of a future.  
You believe she knows you love her.

~fin


	2. Know

**A/N: I really didn't think I would add to this story but after watching 8.1 the thought came and wouldn't go away. It is between Ruth and Harry. It's in the same format as 'Wonder'. Pretty angsty and zero fluff. If you haven't read Wonder do before you read this. Thanks to cbj for the beta.**

**Know**

She is dead.  
You know he cannot get to her, though fear courses.

She is very much alive.  
You know she does not know anything.

She is in danger.  
You know they will find her.

*

She is there.  
You know you must remain stoic.

She is asking for her family.  
You know she has moved on.

She is distressed.  
You know he cannot fathom the thought.

*

She is married.  
You know you should hate him.

She is more than that.  
You know now she loves simple elegance.

She is guilt-ridden.  
You know she does not love him.

She is shocked at the sight of them on the screen.  
You know you must protect her.

She is tortured.  
You know she does not know where it is.

She is sorry.  
You know what will happen and you cannot stop it.

She is betrayed…. she is screaming.  
You knew.

She is begging.  
You know you will not give in.

She is in agony  
You know you cannot help her.

She is beseeching.  
You know you must stall for time.

She is pleading  
You know she loathes your very being.

She is broken.  
You know she will never forgive you.

*

She is going to die.  
You know you must try.

She is rescued.  
You know what she is thinking.

She is shaken.  
She is lost.  
She is numb.  
She is comfortless.  
She is desolate.  
She is everything.

You know… you know… you don't know.

She is nothing.  
You know you have lost her once again.

*

She is home.  
You know this time; you will never let her go.


	3. Wish

**A/N: In my grief stricken haze that has been the past 75 hours I have felt numb, I have cried, I changed my pen name, I changed my pen name back, I haven't eaten I've lost 1/2 a stone and I fear dehydration. Just yesterday I declared to myself that I was done with fanfic but I had to write this to get me through the grieving process. I had an unfinished draft of this for the end of S9. This is an add on to 'Wonder' and 'Know'. You don't have to read them to know what's going on. Wonder was my first ever fic. So it is rather fitting that this might be my last. I'm trying out the catharsis thing. Hope it helps. Do we even have to say the 'Don't own Spooks' thing any more? Because the one that do don't deserve ownership. :P**

**Wish**

You wish this whole mess was over  
She is standing there so beautiful with her wind swept hair

You wish you could go back to a simpler time when you really knew who you were  
She speaks of forgiveness  
She speaks of lies and truths  
She speaks of secrets  
She takes your hand  
She speaks of leaving the service  
Together

You wish it was more  
You wish it was more than  
15 seconds

15 seconds  
You wish it was more than  
15 seconds  
Only 15 seconds of happiness  
You wish it was more

She speaks of it being her fault  
She was the reason

And you wish for a moment that she didn't love you  
You wish she wasn't trying to protect you

She speaks of 'funny' things as she falls to the  
ground in your arms

You wish she could breathe  
You wish her blood wasn't on your hands  
You wish her face wasn't cold  
She speaks her thanks of warming her face

You wish you could comfort her more  
She speaks of a green door and chipped paint  
She speaks of two bedrooms and an office  
Your office

You wish you were there right now with her  
She speaks of not wanting to live there without you

You wish you could live there  
You wish you could live there together  
You wish you could have a home  
and a life  
with her

She speaks of never having those things

She does not speak

She does not breathe

You wish her lips were warm when you kiss her  
You wish you could breathe

You wish

You wish

You wish

You wish you believed in wishes

And then

She gasps

She gasps

She gasps for breath

And maybe

Maybe you believe in wishes after all

~fin~

**Thanks for reading. I have the image of her gasping for breath right after the screen fades. Apparently I'm in the 'bargaining' stage of the grieving process. But that's my story and I'm sticking to it. A review would be nice. But I understand if it's too hard right now. So no worries. :) *hugs* **


End file.
